I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
