dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Pants are for mortals
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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