walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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