My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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