I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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