I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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