i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
