I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
