hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
