my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
