Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize