I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
