Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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