I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
