Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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