You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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