I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
