So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
