so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
