i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
