Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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