I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
