You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
