Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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