There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
