Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
