i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I love you. Go after that dick
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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