I could make wine with my vomit
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
