someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
