i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Who died my cat blue again?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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