two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
