True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
