apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just forgot I was standing up.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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