Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
