i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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