So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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