your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
