i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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