the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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