so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She's the barista slut.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
