I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
