gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
