you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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