Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
