True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
