Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
