it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
