you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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