I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize