My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
