I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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