The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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