So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
