They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
