I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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