when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The adults are the big ones right?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
