First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
