Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You made out with two different species that night
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
