apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
