What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
