I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
