I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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