I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
