my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize