its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
