He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
