I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
