just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize