oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
