If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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